Monday, May 3, 2010

Superman Pukes

       I'm sure many of you have had to deal with your child wearing a costume for weeks, even months, on end. Jake wore his superman cape everywhere he went- even preschool. The only problem was that Jake actually thought he had Superman powers. He would run in front of cars knowing his power would stop them. He would run off walls and leap thinking he would fly.
       One afternoon while my mom was visting from Utah, Jake climbed onto the kitchen table (he had figured out how to unbungee the chairs by this time- that's another story). At full tilt the child ran all the way to the end of the table and dove off. Much to his surprise he did not fly, instead he landed on a chair hitting his forehead on the back of the it. The event wasn't over- the chair skidded across the tile floor to come to an abrupt stop at the carpet edge throwing Jake backwards where he hit the back of his head on the tile floor.
       He cried for just a bit and then was very mad that he couldn't get the flying part to work. I gave him a childrens Tylenol, checked his pupils, and he went on playing.
       Later that evening we took my mom and kids to our favorite Mexican restaurant, La Margarita.  Half way through dinner Jake came over white as a sheet and started to say, "Mom, I feel......". He then puked his Mexican food all over my sandalled feet. I told my family I would see them later and took Jake to the hospital. By this time Jake was very still and quiet.
       The hospital staff immediately knew something was wrong as Jake was seldom ever this way.  While in the MRI Jake didn't move at all- normally we had to strap him down. The ER doctor came in with the results- double concussion. One in the front one in the back. These were concussions 3 and 4 before the age of four. And he wonders why I make him wear a scrum cap in Rugby.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Scar #2 on the Corner of Porter's Eye

A few days after the birth of Jacob Adam and I went grocery shopping. My mom was in town helping so she watched the boys. As we were unloading the van Porter (14 months) came out to help.  He grabbed a jar of spagetti sauce (a large glass one). As he was walking up to the house he dropped the jar. It exploded sending glass and spagetti sauce everywhere. When I say everywhere I mean everywhere- the portico leading into the house was 12 feet high and spagetti sauce covered it. Porter started screaming. That's when I noticed the piece of glass sticking out of the skin at the corner of his eye. My mom comes out with a cloth to try to stop the bleeding, I scoop him up and Adam drives us the the hospital. This was a different hospital because the regular one was getting remodeled.
The staff immediately took him in. After evaluation they tied him in a papoose to keep his arms still while they stitched him up. A nurse politely asked me to come with the hell telling me that I was causing my son additional stress and that he would calm down if I wasn't by him. As I reluctantly left with the nurse I turned to see my determined little boy breaking out of the "child proof" contraption and four grown men have to hold him down. (Yes, they got just a little taste of the stubborness of my child).

The nurse had me sit down while she started filling out paper work.

She stopped, looked up at me and said, "Now why did you hit your son over his head with a jar of spagetti sauce?"

My mouth dropped open. I asked if I could use her phone (in the days before cell phones). I called my house and urgently told my mom to stop cleaning the mess and take pictures of it instead showing that the jar had hot the ground first and not Porter's head. I explained that the nurse thought I had hurt Porter. My mother started shreiking as only a mother can shreik in the process of protecting her child. She asked to speak to the nurse.

The nurse did not ask again and the police never showed up at our house.

The tale of the 1st and 3rd scars on the same eye are for later.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

"I'm naked, I'm naked!!!"

Bath time was always an adventure at our house. I bathed Porter (3) and Jacob (2) together for convenience but soon learned it wasn't convenient at all.

I got Jake out first, put his towel on him and told him to go get his clothes. I 'm drying Porter when seconds later I hear the "click" of the lock on the front door. I grab Porter and with him tucked under my arm, take off after Jake. 

Picture a very white little kid with a tow-headed afro, buck naked running down the sidewalk waving his hands over his head yelling, "I'm naked, I'm naked!!!"

We were the talk of the neighborhood for weeks.

This necessitated the keyed bolt lock on the front door and I wore the key around my neck at all times.

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Language All Their Own

We have all heard how some twins have their own language. While my boys aren't twins (they are 14 months apart) they created a language all their own.  Porter did not talk (except for mom, dad, dog, and various sounds) until he was 3 and half years old. He suffered from chronic ear infections for two years after he was born. The doctor explained that Porter heard everything as if he was under water and therefore spoke in "bubble talk".
Jacob started talking just fine at a "normal age". But his brother soon converted him. I was the only person that could translate what they were saying. My husband would just throw his arms up and ask me what they were saying. We finally taught the boys sign language for their basic needs and that helped greatly.
But when Porter wanted something he would get extremely frustrated that I wasn't reacting fast enough.
My favorite memory is when he wanted "gong, gong".  What?  Yanking on my shirt he kept saying, "gong, gong". After five minutes I apologized and told him a just didn't know what he wanted. He thought for a second then said, "Gong, gong, ga-gong gong, ga-gong, gong, ga-gong, gong".  In case you also need a translator that was him doing Darth Vadar's theme song. He wanted to watch "The Empire Stikes Back". Pretty clever.

Here are just a few of the words they used and the word it represented.
mabocks- dill pickles
babooshka- Captain Crunch cereal (yes, I know that is Russian for "Grandma" - I don't know the link)
horsey- tuna fish (tasty)
others to come as we remember them

Friday, February 19, 2010

"I Just Wanted to Put on Mascara"

In the beginning of my boys toddlerhood I learned to lock the door to my bedroom door at all times to keep the boys out. But of course by the age of 2 they figured out how to take the inside of a ball point pen, push it in the little hole, turn the knob and the door will open.

I was in the family room when Jacob said he had to go to the bathroom (yes, he was potty trained by 2- a godsend since I had three in diaper at a time, but that is another story).  Screams rang out. I rushed to help. He had unlocked my door, gone into the bathroom, climbed the countertop and from the top shelf gotten my fingernail polish out- all in under a minute.

He had glued his eyes shut. I pried one open and could see thick clear liquid floating around. I grabbed him up along the other kids, setting a record time getting all three in threir car seats. Luckily the hospital was close.

Our family members were not strangers to this ER. And Jacob was known by sight. Remember Norm from Cheers? Yep, that was Jacob (or Jakey at this time as he preferred to be called) .  The doctor came quickly saying, "Jakey what did you do this time?" Jacob's response, "I Just Wanted to Put on Mascara".

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Johnny Jump Up Sling Shot

From the time Porter was 6 months he wanted to stand on my lap and bounce and bounce and bounce on my legs until they were bruised. Then I discovered the Johnny Jump Up. It hooked over the door casing, had elastic sides and a seat like a baby walker . It was long enough for his feet to touch and push off. He would bounce for hours.

Roll the clock forward-- Porter is 20 months and Jacob is 6 months. It's Jacob's turn for the Johny Jump Up. He is loving it!!

Next thing I know Porter has grabbed the side of the seat and sling shot Jacob into the side of the door.
Big bruise on noggin.
Porter in time out.
Johnny Jump Up to Goodwill (thrift store).

How does something so benign turn into a weapon of mass concussion?
Lesson #2 Don't think you can go to the bathroom in 10 seconds and something not go wrong.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Slaughter House Birthday Party

When living in Utah we would travel on I-15 to the Grandparent's house. On the way back there was always a horrible smell as we passed Draper. Our kids would ask what the horrible smell was. Neither Adam nor I would tell them.
After nearly a year with this happening every time we drove passed I finally answered the question. I turned around, faced my three little kids in their carseats (strategically placed in the minivan so they could not hit each other) and told them it was the slaughter house. Jacob (6 and lover of all animals) asked,
"What is a slaughter house?"
I explained that that is where the cows go to be killed to make hamburgers.
He started cry and then I could see the light bulb go on.
He sat up straight and asked, "Could I have my birthday party there?"

As I tried to stop laughing I explained that I didn't think any moms would let there kids go to a birthday party at the slaughter. Thankfully he settled for Chuck E Cheese.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The kitchen Table and the Dog's Tail

Porter (3) loved to play with our dog, Buster. He would grab onto the dog's tail and the dog would take off with Porter hanging on following where ever the dog went. It only took the dog a couple of days to figure out how to stop it. Running full tilt with Porter hanging on the dog headed under the kitchen table. Porter's eye level was below the table so he didn't even realize Buster was setting him up. You guessed it- at full speed Porter followed the dog and hit his forehead on the bottom of the table knocking him out. Porter's a quick learner and it only took once.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

George of the Jungle

There are certain movies that have a profound impact on our lives. Not always for the best. "George of the Jungle" is one of those movies.
Jacob decided he wanted to swing like George. The shower curtain was the first casualty. He stood on the side of the tub, grabbed the curtain and leaped (or is that leapt?). He didn't go far and he didn't like getting a time out. But do you think that stopped him? Not a chance, didn't even slow the kid down. 
Next day I am in the kitchen fixing lunch. Porter (4) and Jacob (3) are in the family room watching t.v. I hear a clunk and pause to listen for the crying to start. No crying- that means it's bad.  I rush in the room to Porter saying, "He's dead!" I found Jacob unconscious at the foot of the hearth. As he starts to come to Porter is trying to explain what Jacob had done.
Jacob had wrapped the levelor blind's cord around his neck (his neck he later explained because the cord was too slippery in his hands) and jumped off the hearth. The cord had zipped him like a top and he hit his head on the bricks knocking him out. The cord had cauterized his neck which was oozing clear liquid.
I called the pediatrician (had him on speed dial) and asked him if I needed to call 911 or bring him in to the office. Since he was conscious and breathing on his own they told me to bring him to the office.
While in the doctor's office 7 nurses came to look at Jake's neck. Finally, I asked what was happening. The nurse told me they had never seen a survivor of an incident like this. (Was that supposed to sooth me?). Jacob was diagnosed with a concussion. Neosporin was all that was recommended for his neck.
Every time he gets a tan you can see the thin white scar that runs around his neck.
Be careful what movies you let your kids watch.

Monday, February 1, 2010


When Porter was between 18 an 24 months old he loved to dig with our dog, Buster.  Porter would dig just like the dog. He would spread his legs and shovel the dirt out with both hands. Side-by-side the boy and dog would dig holes. This would keep him occupied for hours. I would clean the house, do the dishes, play with baby Jacob and check on him through the patio doors.  (Our back yard was all fenced with the gate wired shut-which is another story to tell). I put Jacob down for a nap and went to get Porter for lunch. I stood on the patio looking for Porter. Neither Porter or Buster were in sight.
"PORTER!", I yelled.
Up popped boy and dog heads out of their own holes- over 2 feet deep.
Our backyard looked like a scene from the movie "Holes" but at least he was being entertained.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Disappearing Crayon

I was coloring with Jacob (3) and Porter (4). Jacob had taken the paper off and broken his purple crayon in 5 pieces.  I turned to help Porter with his picture. When I turned back Jacob's 5 pieces of crayon were gone. I asked Jacob what happened to them. He told me he had shoved them up his nose. I couldn't see any of the pieces so I called the pediatrician. We went right over and the doctor was able to pull out 4 pieces relatively easily.
"All done." the doctor said.
"Oh, no" I replied, "there is one more piece."
"There couldn't possibly be." And so we went home.
A week later his right nostril started running clear and he didn't feel well. A low grade fever set in the next week.
In week 4 he suddenly did a huge sneeze and out popped the missing piece of purple crayon. But it wasn't purple any more- his sinuses had bleached it white.
Anyone for coloring?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Out in the Cold

At 3am I woke up knowing something was wrong. The apartment was cold. I went in to check on the boys. Porter (2) was missing. I found his pajamas on the living room floor as I went rushing to the front door. I found it open (the dead bolt was five feet off the ground). I ran down the steps to find my two year old sitting in the snow with only his diaper on. His eyes were open but he was unresponsive to my questions.

After this happened once more I spoke with the pediatrician who diagnosed Porter as a sleepwalker. He suggested we lock him in his room at night so he couldn't escape anymore.

During his naptime I would lock the door. I went in to get him after an hour and he wasn't in his bed. He wasn't under the bed. He wasn't on the closet floor.  The window was still shut. I went searching through the apartment (again). Then it hit me- the top shelf of the closet. There I found him under a blanket. I don't know how he didn't roll off and fall to the floor. After that we had to get a lock for the closet.

Monday, January 25, 2010

This is Heaven?

My Dad (Poppy) passed away when Jacob was 3. I was getting the kids ready for the viewing and explained to them that Poppy's soul was in heaven but that we were going to say "goodbye" to his body.  As we got out of the van at the mortuary my little guy put his hand on his hip, pointed at the building and said in disgust, "THIS is heaven?".  He certainly made us laugh.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Pitter Patter of Little Feet

Thanks to all of you that emailed me memories of my kids- keep them coming. The list is growing with memories I had forgotton or subconsciencely blocked out.

Please realize as you read these blogs that Adam, my huband, was gone for most of these experiences. He was in grad school leaving before the kids got up and coming home after they went to bed. He worked on Saturdays and Sundays he just wanted them to be quiet. Yea, right.

I was in the kitchen getting lunch ready when I heard the little pitter patter of feet nothing new except it was on the ROOF!  I ran out the back door, off the back porch and turned to face the house. There I saw three year old Jacob running back and forth on the roof.

I placed a 9-1-1 call for the fire department to help get my child off the roof. The firemen showed up and asked why I just didn't climb up the ladder Jacob used. My response, "Do you see a ladder? We don't own a ladder." They were all shocked. After they got him down they asked him how he got up there. He showed them how he had used his fingers and toes to climb the brick. We never did figure out how he got over the edge and up on the roof.  Too scary to contemplate.

Never a dull house at the Thomas.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Why I'm Blogging About My Hyper Kids Misadventures

At the urging of friends, family, and even strangers I am starting this blog to recount the stories of my kids (mainly my two hyper boys) misadventures. Some may be hard to believe but I assure you they're true and I survived them all.

I realized the misadventures of Porter and Jacob had taken on legendary proportions when we attended the funeral last year of a friend (Rich Lloyd) we hadn't seen in 10 years. His wife (Marianne) introduced us to their boys in this way, "Remember the crazy boys Dad told you about and what can happen if you don't calm down?" Her boys eyes got huge and nodded. "These are their parents!"

These stories are meant to do any of the following:
  • Make you chuckle
  • Realize that you had it easy with your kids
  • Cheer you on that you too will survive your kids misadventures/ hyperactivity/craziness
  • Learn from my coping skills that took me years to figure out
  • Enjoy "this" time of your childrens life.
  • but my main goal it to let everyone out there know- IT GETS BETTER

"It gets better" was the advise a lady gave me in the mall. There I was- boys in the double stroller and my daughter (Riley- 4 months) being carried in the front back. Porter (2) and Jacob (1) were throwing tantrums and hitting each other, Riley was crying and I was near tears myself. The lady- probably in her forties at the time, came up to the kids and offered them a piece of candy that calmed them down. She put her arm around my shoulder, hugged me and said, I promise you it bets better." Suddenly I could breathe again, life would go on. (Other lesson learned- don't try to take the kids to the mall)

Now I am that woman in her forties and it is better.