"I'm naked, I'm naked!!!"

Bath time was always an adventure at our house. I bathed Porter (3) and Jacob (2) together for convenience but soon learned it wasn't convenient at all.

I got Jake out first, put his towel on him and told him to go get his clothes. I 'm drying Porter when seconds later I hear the "click" of the lock on the front door. I grab Porter and with him tucked under my arm, take off after Jake. 

Picture a very white little kid with a tow-headed afro, buck naked running down the sidewalk waving his hands over his head yelling, "I'm naked, I'm naked!!!"

We were the talk of the neighborhood for weeks.

This necessitated the keyed bolt lock on the front door and I wore the key around my neck at all times.

A Language All Their Own

We have all heard how some twins have their own language. While my boys aren't twins (they are 14 months apart) they created a language all their own.  Porter did not talk (except for mom, dad, dog, and various sounds) until he was 3 and half years old. He suffered from chronic ear infections for two years after he was born. The doctor explained that Porter heard everything as if he was under water and therefore spoke in "bubble talk".
Jacob started talking just fine at a "normal age". But his brother soon converted him. I was the only person that could translate what they were saying. My husband would just throw his arms up and ask me what they were saying. We finally taught the boys sign language for their basic needs and that helped greatly.
But when Porter wanted something he would get extremely frustrated that I wasn't reacting fast enough.
My favorite memory is when he wanted "gong, gong".  What?  Yanking on my shirt he kept saying, "gong, gong". After five minutes I apologized and told him a just didn't know what he wanted. He thought for a second then said, "Gong, gong, ga-gong gong, ga-gong, gong, ga-gong, gong".  In case you also need a translator that was him doing Darth Vadar's theme song. He wanted to watch "The Empire Stikes Back". Pretty clever.

Here are just a few of the words they used and the word it represented.
mabocks- dill pickles
babooshka- Captain Crunch cereal (yes, I know that is Russian for "Grandma" - I don't know the link)
horsey- tuna fish (tasty)
others to come as we remember them

"I Just Wanted to Put on Mascara"

In the beginning of my boys toddlerhood I learned to lock the door to my bedroom door at all times to keep the boys out. But of course by the age of 2 they figured out how to take the inside of a ball point pen, push it in the little hole, turn the knob and the door will open.

I was in the family room when Jacob said he had to go to the bathroom (yes, he was potty trained by 2- a godsend since I had three in diaper at a time, but that is another story).  Screams rang out. I rushed to help. He had unlocked my door, gone into the bathroom, climbed the countertop and from the top shelf gotten my fingernail polish out- all in under a minute.


He had glued his eyes shut. I pried one open and could see thick clear liquid floating around. I grabbed him up along the other kids, setting a record time getting all three in threir car seats. Luckily the hospital was close.

Our family members were not strangers to this ER. And Jacob was known by sight. Remember Norm from Cheers? Yep, that was Jacob (or Jakey at this time as he preferred to be called) .  The doctor came quickly saying, "Jakey what did you do this time?" Jacob's response, "I Just Wanted to Put on Mascara".

Johnny Jump Up Sling Shot

From the time Porter was 6 months he wanted to stand on my lap and bounce and bounce and bounce on my legs until they were bruised. Then I discovered the Johnny Jump Up. It hooked over the door casing, had elastic sides and a seat like a baby walker . It was long enough for his feet to touch and push off. He would bounce for hours.

Roll the clock forward-- Porter is 20 months and Jacob is 6 months. It's Jacob's turn for the Johny Jump Up. He is loving it!!

Next thing I know Porter has grabbed the side of the seat and sling shot Jacob into the side of the door.
Big bruise on noggin.
Porter in time out.
Johnny Jump Up to Goodwill (thrift store).

How does something so benign turn into a weapon of mass concussion?
Lesson #2 Don't think you can go to the bathroom in 10 seconds and something not go wrong.

Slaughter House Birthday Party

When living in Utah we would travel on I-15 to the Grandparent's house. On the way back there was always a horrible smell as we passed Draper. Our kids would ask what the horrible smell was. Neither Adam nor I would tell them.
After nearly a year with this happening every time we drove passed I finally answered the question. I turned around, faced my three little kids in their carseats (strategically placed in the minivan so they could not hit each other) and told them it was the slaughter house. Jacob (6 and lover of all animals) asked,
"What is a slaughter house?"
I explained that that is where the cows go to be killed to make hamburgers.
He started cry and then I could see the light bulb go on.
He sat up straight and asked, "Could I have my birthday party there?"

As I tried to stop laughing I explained that I didn't think any moms would let there kids go to a birthday party at the slaughter. Thankfully he settled for Chuck E Cheese.

The kitchen Table and the Dog's Tail

Porter (3) loved to play with our dog, Buster. He would grab onto the dog's tail and the dog would take off with Porter hanging on following where ever the dog went. It only took the dog a couple of days to figure out how to stop it. Running full tilt with Porter hanging on the dog headed under the kitchen table. Porter's eye level was below the table so he didn't even realize Buster was setting him up. You guessed it- at full speed Porter followed the dog and hit his forehead on the bottom of the table knocking him out. Porter's a quick learner and it only took once.

George of the Jungle

There are certain movies that have a profound impact on our lives. Not always for the best. "George of the Jungle" is one of those movies.
Jacob decided he wanted to swing like George. The shower curtain was the first casualty. He stood on the side of the tub, grabbed the curtain and leaped (or is that leapt?). He didn't go far and he didn't like getting a time out. But do you think that stopped him? Not a chance, didn't even slow the kid down. 
Next day I am in the kitchen fixing lunch. Porter (4) and Jacob (3) are in the family room watching t.v. I hear a clunk and pause to listen for the crying to start. No crying- that means it's bad.  I rush in the room to Porter saying, "He's dead!" I found Jacob unconscious at the foot of the hearth. As he starts to come to Porter is trying to explain what Jacob had done.
Jacob had wrapped the levelor blind's cord around his neck (his neck he later explained because the cord was too slippery in his hands) and jumped off the hearth. The cord had zipped him like a top and he hit his head on the bricks knocking him out. The cord had cauterized his neck which was oozing clear liquid.
I called the pediatrician (had him on speed dial) and asked him if I needed to call 911 or bring him in to the office. Since he was conscious and breathing on his own they told me to bring him to the office.
While in the doctor's office 7 nurses came to look at Jake's neck. Finally, I asked what was happening. The nurse told me they had never seen a survivor of an incident like this. (Was that supposed to sooth me?). Jacob was diagnosed with a concussion. Neosporin was all that was recommended for his neck.
Every time he gets a tan you can see the thin white scar that runs around his neck.
Be careful what movies you let your kids watch.

Holes

When Porter was between 18 an 24 months old he loved to dig with our dog, Buster.  Porter would dig just like the dog. He would spread his legs and shovel the dirt out with both hands. Side-by-side the boy and dog would dig holes. This would keep him occupied for hours. I would clean the house, do the dishes, play with baby Jacob and check on him through the patio doors.  (Our back yard was all fenced with the gate wired shut-which is another story to tell). I put Jacob down for a nap and went to get Porter for lunch. I stood on the patio looking for Porter. Neither Porter or Buster were in sight.
"PORTER!", I yelled.
Up popped boy and dog heads out of their own holes- over 2 feet deep.
Our backyard looked like a scene from the movie "Holes" but at least he was being entertained.